Top 10 Pathetic Gen.1 Pokemon

Growing up in the 90's, life was plagued by Pokémon. Games, cards, a long running TV series and the insane amount of merchandise (seriously, Pikachu was fucking everywhere) made it practically impossible to not know how much ass Pokémon kicked. Of course though, when you needed 150 individual monsters, not each one was destined to be a winner. Some ranged from awesome (Charizard, Nidoking), to good (Pinsir, Magmar), to passable (Snorlax, Doduo), to just plain sad. These are the sad ones.
[Note: this is just one persons opinion, if you disagree or if I've listed your favourite Pokémon...well you’ve got poor taste.]

10. Porygon

What a waste of money. The only way you can get a Porygon is to get 9,999 coins at the game corner in Celadon, and if you were as shit at the slot machines as I was, you just bought bundles of coins from the lady at the front counter. Finally, after losing tens of thousands of dollars, you went and bought a Porygon. And for all that hard earned cash, you got something incredibly average. Astoundingly average. It’s got psybeam and recover, that’s nice, sure. But then again Kadabra has them too and its stronger and looks far better. Another problem was the innitial lack of evolution, giving players NO FUCKING REASON to want this pixelated piece of shit, other than filling up their Pokedex.

9. Omanyte / Omastar

Early on in the game you face some Team Rocket Grunts in a cave. After kicking the ever loving shit out of them, you're made to choose between one of two Pokémon fossils the Rocket scientist has found in the cave. Of course you get no clue as to what lays inside, so your guess will be random.
Which sounds cooler, Dome Fossil or Helix Fossil? Well both sound kinda lame, but I guess the Helix Fossil will do. Cut to Arriving at Cinnebar Island where Impatient Lab Guy tells us he can resurrect the Fossil Jurassic Park Style. Sweet!

T-Rex used Bite. It was super effective!

But no, instead what we got was Omanyte, a tiny blue snail that couldn’t do shit. Died with any Ground move, Grass move, Electric move, Ice move, Fighting move, even freaking water moves, and it's a water Pokémon! The evolution added some sharp teeth which prevented you from sticking your fingers anywhere near it, spikes, because they’re really threatening I guess and tentacles, because it’s from Japan.
Our only hope is that the other fossil was just as bad a choice.

Damn it!

8. Mr Mime

While not a terrible Pokémon to have and being one of the first Psychic types you can get, nobody wanted Mr Mime in their team. Why? Well, look at him.

7. Farfetch'd

Fuck Farfetch'd. Everything about him is full of douche. His monobrow, his smart-ass smile, the random apostrophe towards the end of his name, the fact that he carries an item called Stick, which has the SOLE PURPOSE of being held by Farfetch'd. In its defence it was able to learn Fly, but out of Pidgeot, Fearow and the Legendary Birds, why in the fuck would anyone want Farfetch'd?

6. Magnemite / Magneton

Get it? Because it’s a magnet, its evolved form is three of them stuck together? Oh how clever. [Read: lazy.]  It doesn’t totally make sense either. I only captured the one, where the hell did the other two come from? Did they sprout out of my Magnemite? I don’t get it. 

5. Diglett

Again like the above Magnets, Digletts evolved form is also a cop out.  A tiny head spouting out of the ground, and then joined by friends. What makes this worse than Magnemite and Magneton however is that the Magnets were mobile, they could move. How does this thing attack without earthquake or magnitude? Dig would only make it pop out of the ground like a freakin’ whack-a-mole, and diglett starts off with scratch. How can it scratch without claws, let alone hands?

Answer: It can't.

4. Exeggcute

I know I’m repeating myself but again I’m going to complain about the multiple pokemon aspect. This is a bunch of eggs. How threatening could the POSSIBLY be? They have no arms to throw the other eggs, they don’t explode (lest they die), and I’m not planning to eat them if their plan is to poison attackers, so no matter how threatening the middle egg wants to look, I’m afraid it isn’t working. I don’t even need a Pokémon to beat this, I could throw a pokeball and it’d smash at least three of them.

3. Staryu / Starmie

This still stands out as one of the laziest Pokémon ever created. It doesn’t have any characteristics and it looks more like jewellery than a living thing. Is it even a living thing? It seems more like a robot. There can’t possibly be flesh under that clearly metal shell. What the fuck is this thing? And once again the evolution is just two of these things thrown together like a freak Siamese twin and painted purple!

2. Kakuna / Metapod

And if it weren’t for the fact it could actually do something, I’d throw Pupitar on here with these other cocoons (seriously, it’s not a bug. Why does it have a cocoon?). When you’ve started your game you quickly realise you won’t get too far with just the one Pokémon doing everything, so you need to catch some more. Odds are one of these will be either Caterpie or Weedle, and they’ll seem totally useless until they evolve into their cocoon forms where they... still seem pretty useless.  The only thing they were good for was killing for the experience, mainly because they can’t fight back. Pathetic.

1.  Goldeen

Fuck Goldeen! Fuck it up its stupid fin! This has got to be the least appealing Pokémon I’ve ever seen.

 Worse than this –

Worse than this-

Even worse than this-

I can’t even describe why, but when I see this stupid, ugly fish, I want it to die. It’s so bad that the makers of Super Smash Brothers Melee confused it with Magikarp, the most recognized of all shit Pokémon, and had it come out of a pokeball just to flop around pathetically and die. (Oh yeah, honourary mention to Magikarp)

The only good thing that Goldeen has ever done is to inspire Misty in her cosplay ideas.

Lets all pretend for a moment that she’s not 12